Did I start it; did it start me?

‘I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate, and feeling nowhere so much myself a stranger as in my own country’, wrote Van Gogh in a letter to Horace M. Livens in 1886. About one and a quarter century later, my soul was feeling as empty as Vincent’s. All that was encircling me was not enough anymore. Some inner conditions were undermining my happiness somehow and I got to the conclusion that all I needed was a dramatic break with my past and present life. I always firmly believed in changes for the pursuit of a satisfactory happiness that truly belongs to an individual. And for that exact reason, I had to make some changes in that life which no longer belonged to me.
I was only in my early childhood when I started expressing my strong appreciation for the world that I was surrounded by. And maybe that is why, at the age of eighteen, I was feeling so intrigued by the unknown that I decided to leave and go abroad. The excitement of the beginning of a new adventure always gave me an overwhelming and stunning sensation. The start of a new unusual experience is the most enjoyable -not knowing where you are about to go, or what you will be able to find. But going abroad is not as easy as most people think it is. When you get flung into a new dimension, it is very hard to get used to the new environment, its surroundings and its wilderness. And what is even harder to accept is the fact that everybody’s lives go on even without your presence. There will be times where life will suck. But being home and pretending that your heart is smiling of happiness is unacceptable. Some people do not want to pretend to be happy. They just really want to be. And when traveling starts involving your whole existence, you just need to try to find your hidden happiness somewhere else. And then somewhere else. And again, somewhere else. It is an endless personal journey and you just wonder if it is what you started or what started you. What is certain is that when your adventure is about to begin you are unaware that this is only the start of an endless path. Unaware that happiness for an adventurer is a short-term phase that brings forward to a following one of discontent and dissatisfaction. Unaware that a traveler’s life is a journey where the expression ‘getting settled’ does not exist at all.

‘They say home is where the heart is but my heart is wild and free.
So am I homeless or just heartless? Did I start this; did it start me?’